My Beautiful, Brave Doggie
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Doggie
Nov. 12, 2000 - Feb. 20, 2020
We Were Lucky To Have Him So Long.
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| Doggie was my brother's service animal, our constant companion for over 19 years. |
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| When I bought him I was not a dog person. And I guess I never became one. I always treated him as a person. |
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| My beautiful Doggie |
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| Doggie getting some sun on the last day of his life. I couldn't stop crying as I put my little dog to sleep. |
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I bought Doggie for my brother when he developed Keratoconus with hydrops. It made Keith, a profoundly mentally handicapped person, legally blind. He was uncontrollable. I didn't know what to do. Then I came up with the idea of getting him a dog. Now I wasn't a dog person, but I thought getting Keith a dog might help.
I went to the pet store in Middletown, New York, to see the different kinds of dogs. There was this miniature poodle who looked really cute. I hadn't thought of getting Keith a poodle, but when I took him in the little room where you could be with the dogs, he stole my heart, even though he bit me gently on my leg.
When I carried him out of the pet store I felt the warmth of his body press against mine and it hit me what a responsibility this would be, for this living thing.
He chewed up papers in the back seat of our car on the way home. I set him on the living room floor where he relieved himself and started to play with what he did.
So he was in a fenced in area until he was trained. He didn't like that.
I was working as a teacher then. Keith's babysitters would take Keith and Doggie together wherever they went. Keith was starting to like being outside and that was the beginning of his daily outings with Doggie.
I bought a stroller for Doggie so we could take him - now a service animal - into stores with us. When we were outside Doggie would walk and Keith would push his empty stroller. It was amazing to see how Keith progressed in his daily walks, becoming more active, losing inches off his waist with his new more active lifestyle.
Keith would never learn how to pet Doggie, but they were inseparable companions. And I grew to love that little Dog. He was so good. So cooperative. Everyone who knew Doggie loved him. He was the best dog ever.
This last year when he started failing, I tried all sorts of things to help him. I couldn't afford big vet bills anymore. Had just gotten out of credit card debt and we just had money for daily expenses. I had read about hospice for Dogs, how you could treat them as we treat people near the end of their lives. That probably would have been the best choice for my personality to help my little dog until he could die naturally. But to do that I would have needed to understand all that was wrong with him and to find a holistic way (I am not a traditional medicine person) to manage it - with a vet telling me what was wrong and with their input and my research about the most holistic ways to manage everything.
But I didn't have the money for that, so when I saw my little dog fall down outside when he went to the bathroom, I felt, perhaps, this was the day I should put him to sleep. He couldn't get up on his own. Now maybe I could remove the stones out there and replace it with grass and maybe that would have helped him. But I didn't have the money for that.
So I decided because of his blindness and other problems with his eyes, because of his old ACL injury which was making walking harder than ever, because he would whimper/I helped it with herbals, but there was his bladder - he would wake me up in the night when he wet his bed/I was getting very little sleep - when he fell outside and couldn't get up - maybe this was the day I would take Doggie to the vet to put him to sleep.
The thought in my head was that I wanted my little dog to die with dignity and I worried that he would continue to deteriorate, falling into his own feces when it was hard to stand.
So I made the appointment and with Keith we went with Doggie to the vet. I couldn't stop crying. I realize now I didn't have the personality to make a living thing, no less my precious Doggie, die.
My heart has been breaking ever since. How will I ever feel better again? I think maybe meditation. Once in meditation I reached a place of peace, I think of it as a state of oneness. Perhaps, if I can find that place again, my heart will not keep hurting.
Doggie was our constant companion for over 19 years. I kept him warm with all his coats. I made sure he got exercise. We walked where there was a grass gutter because he liked to walk in the grass. And then, at 19, I had to take him to be put to sleep. I wanted him to die in his sleep. I'm having a really hard time knowing I took him to die.
In the end, I couldn't get my wish to let my precious dog die naturally in his sleep.
I miss you terribly my precious Doggie. You were my hero how you lived with your blindness. Rest in peace. I think what hurts so much is that such a wonderful dog shouldn't have had so much suffering in his life. Thank God I never had any children. I could never take seeing them suffer.
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Got an insight after writing this. Doggie was my emotional support animal, too. He injected some beauty, normality, life into the hard work of taking care of a nonverbal profoundly mentally handicapped person with no self-help skills. Now that beauty, normality, life is gone. Now Keith and I have to learn how to live without him.
I was watching Laura Inghram last night where they were making the point this thing about emotional support animals has gone too far. When your life is tough sometimes emotional support animals can make all the difference.
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Doggie died on Feb. 20. I've been remembering, processing all my thoughts and feelings about him and the day he died. I've come to some conclusions. One is that I'd rather feel my sadness than repress it. I don't know how much Keith understands about Doggie's death, but it seems to me he is grieving, coping with Doggie's disppearance in his own way.
The day Doggie died I bought a bird so we wouldn't have to go home to an empty house. He seems to have Doggie's good, quiet, laid back nature.
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Keeping Doggie By My Side As A Spirit Guide
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Things That Previously Made Sense To Me:
1. zen
2. Heraclitus' notion that all that exists is constant change
3. The idea of a Singularity - Oneness - Big Bang When The One Became Many - Then An Expanding Universe which will eventually collapse on itself - and the process will begin again in an eternal recurrence.
4. I'm a pantheist - reality is One.
5. I like Buber's notion - being is: in-the-between - found in I-Thou Relationship rather than I-It Relationship with people, things etc.
6. I believe in Individuation, boundries - Community between individuals rather than an emotionally fused Collectivity. As Bohm would call it the Explicate Order.
7. I like the notion of Bohm's Implicate Order where A is equal to B is equal to C is equal to D. In the Implicate Order there is only transformation.
The Implicate Order or "Thus" as a Buddhist might say - the One/Whole and the Explicate Order - the Many - what in Mindfulness we focus our attention on
8. I believe in the Buddhist notion of the Self as an illusion. We create narratives about things and then we believe them. But the map is not the territory - just a tale told by an idiot.
8. We see through a glass darkly now. We have to embrace the ambiguity of life.
Now back to my beloved Doggie. In every crisis there is an opportunity. The opportunity before me is to integrate the above beliefs into my life. I have decided to take Doggie as my spirit guide. You don't have to teach dogs to live in the present with mindfulness.
I have collected a lot of 15 minute (what I might be able to do with my busy life as a caretaker of a profoundly mentally handicapped person with no self-care skills) meditations on you tube. My goal is to do one a day. To become more spiritual.
So my way of coping with the fact I put my beloved dog to death, my brother's service animal, who was by our side every day for the last 19 years, who was, in a sense, my baby, my emotional support animal, is to keep him with me forever as a spirit guide and to, through meditation, try to get more in touch within with the five things above I logically believe.
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Doggie came home today. He isn't blind anymore. All of his physical problems are gone. Now I have to study Daoism to get more on a spiritual level like Doggie.
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| Doggie Calcagno 11/12/2000 - 2/20/2020 |
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My Beautiful Doggie
I can no longer bury my face
In your soft fur.
You are no longer Keith and I's constant companion.
You are now My Spirit Guide
A constant reminder of the Transitoriness of Life
Together Forever We Dwell in the Eternal Ever Flowing Dao.
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Where I Am
Intellectually I can go over the reasons I had my dog put to death. But emotionally I can't accept what I did. I wanted Doggie to die peacefully in his sleep. I didn't understand all that he was going through.
Normally, I reseach things to death and get a handle on situations. But in this instance, I was overwhelmed with Keith and Doggie's care. The idea of reading extensively about Senior Dogs and all the alternatives never entered my head. I was normally going to bed 5 am, 6 am - could never seem to catch up with all I had to do, no less find time to read books.
Now I am going to bed 2 or 3 am and it feels so great to be getting some sleep.
I'm thinking if I can really get into Daoism I might find some inner peace.
I'm very angry at life for having so much suffering in it.
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P.S. - I think some of the shit/suffering in life - for instance, Dick Cheney's Government Gang Stalking - is caused by unconscious and repressed emotions (Dick Cheney's middle name).
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How I Am Going To Go About Learning About Dowism:
1. I bought two books: The Way of Chuang Tzu by Thomas Merton and Zhuangzi Basic Writings by Translated by Burton Watson. I will probably not read them right away.
2. I've decided to do the Zuowang Meditation Daily.
3. To learn the very basics of Daoism I'm going to listen to one video a day of Wu Wei Wisdom who explain things in a very basic way. Today I am listening to their video on intention (like that better than law of attraction). In regard to Doggie I realize I was not clear to myself in my intention. I knew that he was old - 19. I knew that he was failing, didn't want to walk anymore/or couldn't, would whimper sometimes. I knew I was becoming overwhelmed with his care - problems with his eyes requiring I spend time every night. He was so cute about taking all the vitamins and things I would give him - would lick them out of a spoon in applesauce, but required me to mix things together every night. He waked me when he wet his bed. I gave him something that helped, but still would have to wake up to change his bed etc.
When he couldn't get up after he fell in his own feces - I said to myself this is the moment - and without thinking made the appointment to put him down that day. The fact I didn't think about it (uncharacteristic of me) tells it was an impulse - with lots of unconscious things behind it. I think I put him down, in part, because I wanted to be rid of all the extra work he was causing me. I should have realized when I couldn't stop crying at the vet that this indicated I didn't want to put him down (there was a conflict - wanted to be relieved of the extra work, didn't want to put him to death).
But I didn't have enough self-knowledge or information to realize that. And hence the agony I've been in since his death.
If I could do it all over again I would have been very specific about my intention. That would have required a lot of thought. If I could do it all over again, I would have taken him to the vet - have bloodtests done, CAT scan equivalents of what they do for dogs - learned everything that was wrong with him and loaded with lots of information decided what to do.
I didn't even think of that because I had just gotten out of credit card debt and didn't want an exorbitant vet bill. The idea that he could get better - not younger - just better never crossed my mind. I was handling problems as they arose, his weak bladder. And having some success. But the idea of spending money to thoroughly evaluate my 19 year old dog never crossed my mind.
When I think of it now - old people do have bladder problems. They cope. They do have mobility problems. They use walkers etc.
But with an old dog - we just put them down. I wish I had sought more knowledge about Senior Dogs - understood more - had more information before I decided to have Doggie put down.
This may all sound unrealistic to some. But I always treated Doggie differently than any animal. He had two Down coats - cost over $100 because he used to get cold. I bought him buffalo and grass fed beef and antibiotic free turkey for dinner.
When we went for walks I tried to pick places he would like - with grass. But in the end I treated him like a dog. I felt overworked. Not enough sleep. I know why I did what I did, but it still hurts.
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One of the learnings I take away from this video is that in making good decisions take into consideration - All of You. In my case to have made a better decision for my dog I would have used not just my intuition (now is the time), but taken into consideration my thinking (got more info from a vet - to consider alternatives/along with more of my own research), and not ignoring my feeling (my tears).
In a way I did consider my feelings - my being overwhelmed by caring for my brother and dog. So what I would add is to use All of You to balance needs. I believe good relationships, even with a dog, include balancing needs. I should have thought more about that - how to do that. Was there a way to better meet my needs and his at the same time? Maybe I did do that, but I will never know for sure because I didn't get more information.
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Another learning I got from the end of the above video was his saying negativity - my choosing death for my dog (without getting full information it was justified) - was because of an attitude "I can't cope" with the work load, the lack of sleep, spending more money on vets/putting it on my credit card/getting into debt - I had. The "I can't cope" attitude no doubt played a part in my decision. What I didn't realize is how hard it would be to cope after my dog's death. For future decisions the message is to be clear about my own values and to try to align my decisions in accordance with them. I've never been a person who made lists, wrote everything down. But I think I will probably move more in that direction. My dominant function is introverted intuition. My auxiliary function is extraverted feeling. What this means is that at 70 I need to develop, perhaps, my introverted and extraverted thinking. I'll put that on my long list of things to learn.
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Daoism seems the perfect fit for me. It mirrors my values - autonomy. I like how in Daoism everything is considered equal even inanimate things. I think this is a cosmology I can believe in.
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How Do We Regain Balance/Harmony in America?
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Whose Foreign Policy is More In Wu Way?
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Finding Your Divine Purpose
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Living An Authentic Spiritual Life
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Books I will use for further exploration:
Zhuangzi Basic Writings Translated by Burton Watson
The Way of Chuang Tzu by Thomas Merton
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Life Lesson 38 above gave me a sense of peace. I think, as Martin Buber said, being-is-in-the-between, but I'd go further and say morality is, too. If I had understood the principles above, I would have been clearer on my intention the day I ended my dog's life. I most likely would have done things differently. I would have taken my dog to the vet and uncovered everything that were wrong with him to see if a plan to make him live longer or die more naturally, peacefully, could have been developed. But that impulse I followed when I saw him not able to get up, in his own feces, to end his life, I think was a shen decision. It was based on all the things I had seen about my dog and all the things about myself - it was based on our mutual self-interest, based on the information I had. I take emotional responsibility and can go on without tears. One of my core beliefs is relationships should be mutual. My tears were about what my wonderful dog deserved. My acceptance of myself/shen could make the tears stop.
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One Way To Think About Death Is As The Implicate Order
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From Wikipedia:
This world, which is the same for all, no one of gods or men has made. But it always was and will be: an ever-living fire, with measures of it kindling, and measures going out.[64]
All things are an interchange for fire, and fire for all things, just like goods for gold and gold for goods.[65]
The thunderbolt that steers the course of all things.[66]
The first quote is the earliest use of kosmos in any extant Greek text.[3]
On Heraclitus using Fire as a new primary substance, Burnet writes:
"All this made it necessary for him to seek out a new primary substance. He wanted not merely something from which opposites could be “ separated out,” but something which of its own nature would pass into everything else, while everything else would pass in turn into it. This he found in Fire, and it is easy to see why, if we consider the phenomenon of combustion. The quantity of fire in a flame burning steadily appears to remain the same, the flame seems to be what we call a “ thing.” And yet the substance of it is continually changing. It is always passing away in smoke, ‘and its place is always being taken by fresh matter from the fuel that feeds it. This is just what we want. If we regard the world as an ” ever-living fire ” (fr. 20), we can understand how it is always becoming all things, while all things are always returning to it."[67]
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In this union of opposites, of both generation and destruction, Heraclitus called the oppositional processes ἔρις (eris), "strife", and hypothesizes that the apparently stable state, δίκη (dikê), or "justice", is a harmony of it.[7
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The one is made up of all things, and all things issue from the one.[88]
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A Philosophy of Becoming - Everything Flows.
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"And as the child and the artist plays, so too plays the ever living fire, it builds up and tears down, in innocence – such is the game eternity plays with itself."
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He seemed to hold the view continuous change warrants skepticism because we cannot define a thing that does not have a permanent nature.[144]
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Even during the period for which any living being is said to live and retain his identity - as a man, for example, is called the same man from boyhood to old age - he does not in fact retain the same attributes, although he is called the same person: he is always becoming a new being and undergoing a process of loss and reparation, which affects his hair, his flesh, his bones, his blood and his whole body. And not only his body, but his soul as well. No man's character, habits, opinions desires pleasures pains and fears remain always the same: new ones come into existence and old ones disappear.
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Encounter - The Essence of Meeting This Strange Ever Changing World
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One must decide for oneself to be either for or against the event. Bollnow aims to understand this engagement, this being-touched-by-something, by referring to it with the concept of existential encounter (c.f. Bollnow, 1966, p. 161). For Bollnow, encounter is a fundamental experience in which the subject meets something new, strange, uncontrollable, and (to the subject) incomprehensible. An encounter is a collision with everything outside one’s understanding, not a meeting with the familiar. It is a meeting with something outside one’s ‘lifeworld’. Through this collision with something new, encounter presents a possibility for self-examination. In other words, encountering a force outside subjective understanding results in a change to that subjective understanding; one recognizes an entity that is not understood, and begins to learn. By no means is encounter necessarily a pleasant experience; it affects the subject profoundly, leading to self-examination or reflection and a change in one’s way of living or being.
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Ongoing I-Thou Meeting With The Ever Changing Universe
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I know Intellectuality can be a defense against anxiety. I think in bringing my dog to die, I came face to face with death. And I didn't understand it. And that causes anxiety.
In Wu Wei Wisdom they talk about the Child/Ego and they mentioned the Adult. But I think there is a third construct - maybe Jung's idea of the Archetype of the Self which I think is like the Whole/Implicate Order (might just be playing word games - maybe that's all we do/play word games - I don't know).
Is it the Self we access in the above Emptiness meditation?
Another thought is that I did not Encounter my Senior Dog. I never really understood that stage of my dog's being. Never really tried to encounter him as an old dog. We talk about putting dog's down. I bought into that cultural idea until I did it. There probably was something more to experience that I didn't understand.
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Shen = Jung's Self = Bohm's Implicate Order = the state you seek in the Emptiness Meditation = Emptiness = the Whole = Space/Maybe
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Having a Narrative About Things Makes Them Less Scary. Helps you to Cope.
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This was my favorite video from Wu Wei Wisdom, so far. Probably because I have to be perfect was also one of my core beliefs.
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With the help of Wu Wei Wisdom, I am not being overwhelmed by emotion regarding the death of my dog and my responsibility in it anymore.
Backround
I think I've always been afraid of death. My mother would always say we were killing her. I remember thinking of death in bed as a child and being filled with existential angst (the nuns in my Catholic school talked a lot about death, too) as I tried to comtemplate my own death - I couldn't bare the thought of trying to conceive it - was filled with anxiety. I think a symptom of this is when young I always had to sleep with the light on.
In doing the above emptiness mediation, I had a sense of anxiety when I contemplated nothingness - emptiness of feeling, sense of my body, environment etc.
That is getting better the more I do the emptiness meditation.
I think my mistake with regard to my dog was adopting the cultural view. In just starting to get into Daoism I think it moves in the direction of eschewing cultural values and looking within - to your shen instinct instead.
A vet at Pet Smart had told me dogs don't die naturally, you have to put them down. So I think the idea of allowing my dog to die naturally never entered my head. After his death, however, I read that about 25% of dogs do die naturally.
An appliance man who came to my house told me about his dog whose breathing became labored. His dog was older. He held the dog in his arms - about 4 hours - until it died. At first I thought that's the death I would have wanted for Doggie. Then when I thought about it a little more I thought how terrified that dog must have been, having trouble breathing for four hours.
So what is right?
The above video makes me think my mistake (and thinking about it instead of feeling about it - is giving me more peace) was rushing things. I had to do it now. My dog fell down in his own feces and couldn't get up on his own. This is it, I thought, this is when I could bring him to the vet to die. I had seen him mostly spend his time sleeping. I had seen him not wanting to go for walks. I had heard him whimper in the night, become more incontinent. This inability to stand - was it.
But I had also seen him improve. When I gave him something for his bladder he went from waking me up to change his pad because he wet himself several times a night to just once. I had seen him want to walk more around the house after that - which I didn't let him because he was pooping and peeing all over my carpet.
Could he have improved enough to live a little longer, some months, maybe even a year. I read the normal lifespan for miniature poodles is 15 years. He was 19. But I have also read of minature poodles who lived to 25.
My natural inclination is to eschew traditional medicine and to go a more holistic, natural way. That and money (I had just gotten out of credit card debt) had made me reluctant to take him to a vet.
In looking back, I think I would have been more in alignment with my shen if I had waited before rushing him to the vet to die. I should have spent the money for CAT scan, x-rays, bloodtests etc. to find out everything that was wrong with him. I should have listened to the vet then investigated holistic ways to treat what was wrong with him or, if he had something warranting being put to death to save him suffering, done that once I knew as much as I could. That would have been me in alignment with my shen, I believe.
So my mistake was listening to the cultural values, not listening to a deeper shen voice. Or perhaps, my rushing to take him to the vet to die, was an impulse - acting out unconscious things like wanting him to die because he required so much of my time now that he was a senior dog, so much more inconvenience.
I need to learn more. I'm grateful for all the videos of Wu Wei Wisdom on you tube. I will try to listen to them all - one a day.
I think the book I will read next will be A Guide to the I Ching. Tried to read Zhuangzi Basic Writings, but I don't like all the tricks the masters use to teach. I like more straightforward teaching.
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When I think of my dog and I start to get sad, I just label my sadness - a Red Light Feeling. Then I ask myself - why - and I tell myself I need to learn it is okay to make mistakes - I am human - even in important things. I am still learning. Why the Red Light feeling? I still think of death as the worse thing that can happen. I'm glad I found Daoism so I can learn to think in a new spiritual way.
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And sometimes when I feel sad - I just label it Red Light Feeling - and when I ask myself Why? It's because I miss him. Rather than getting lost in my tears, seems to feel better to take a deep breath and stay with the thought - I miss him. Not sure if Daoist cry. Think they try to detach from the world and its suffering. So I just miss that great dog. I'll keep trying to get to that.
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Why do I miss him? Because he was soft and cuddly and beautiful in a world that is filled with profoundly mentally handicapped/my brother bangs his head a lot of the time, a world with Government Gang Stalking, Government corruption, sickness, suffering. It actually helps get rid of a lot of the sadness/Red light feeling to realize the reason for the sadness is I miss my support against a too often ugly world.
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The above video makes me think we are on the Dao's journey - the Singularity's journey - that life is an illusion, sound and fury signifying nothing. I find that idea consoling. That means Doggie and I are one and all this suffering is an illusion - a way the Dao is learning its life lesson.
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Ground of Being (Source/Singularity) - Emptiness or Fullness?
I was thinking about the emptiness meditation, how it increased my anxiety/Red light feeling when I let my feelings, sense of environment, mind etc. drop away - how it reminded me of death, I think.
And I was thinking how the glass could be seen as half empty or half full. We could think of death/shen as emptiness or we could think of it as fullness, like Bohm's implicate order.
To think of Shen as fullness - encompassing everything - me, my little Doggie etc. - makes it so much better. Why do they think of the ground of being, as in the meditation way above, as emptiness? I'm going to start thinking of it as the Implicate order, as fullness. Then it is no longer scary, but almost welcoming, going home to Source - being part again of fullness, no more blindness, no more suffering, no more consciousness of lack - fullness. In death we lose the illusion separate things and return to the fullness of being. Novel, but less scary than emptiness.
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March 9, 2020
Ch'ien/ The Creative
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My decision was wrong - as if I didn't know that from my Red Light feelings. I had an ideal - living naturally. But I didn't have a clue how to do that.
I'm now on Step 1. From A Guide To The I Ching:
"So long as we hold to the timetables set by our hopes and fears, we will be obstructed. So long as we listen to the voice of doubt within, which urges us to take matters in hand, and causes us to try to force comfortable conclusions to our problems, we continue to compete with the Creative.
If, however, we humbly cling to the Creative for help, and accept non-action as an integral part of the creative process, then our attitude will be harmonious and sincere, and we will achieve the correct result.
The way of the Creative is the way of the Master Playwright who keeps everything in suspense, even in a state of misunderstanding, until the last minute. When our acceptance becomes truly humble, when we recognize that we need the help of a Higher Power, and when we ask for that help, the denouement comes, and with it enlightenment and success from the highest source.
The answer is so correct and appropriate that in no way could we have apprehended it merely by intellect, nor could we have achieved its sublime results through a consciously designed solution.
When we understand the way the Creative and the Receptive interact within ourselves, we understand the way the Cosmos works, and why the judgment of this hexagram says, The Creative works sublime success furthering through perserverance."
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Next To Learn: What is Shen?
Next To Learn: The Golden Thread Process to understand the vow I made in childhood that's causing the separation.
Did the I Ching. The answer to my question was hexagram 21 and hexagram 51. Read a Guide To The I Ching to understand them. I might read them again, but it aptly described my situation - A Shock - confrontation with death. Starting to think the Inner Child was the crying part of me - related to a vow I made in childhood.
Think it has to do with intellect. Remember reading in Winnicott about how intellect becomes the self when the natural self was not unfolded, but rather imposed.
As I write this - computer problems - Status Quo/Intel doesn't want our society to adopt Daoism - Christianity is much more subservient to government. Render to Caesar and all that.
According to the hexagram as I understand the problem is too much Ego/intellect - not enough Shen. I have never really been able to find something to believe in. Next step - to understand the Shen part of me, to let it guide me - instead of relying on Ego.
If I could guess the vow of my childhood at this point, it might have been not trusting my mother or my father - but looking to myself - my intellect to rule the roost. I never allowed myself to be led. I might talk about listening to nature, but I tried to get Disneyland - not align myself in accordance with the natural world.
When I didn't think about putting down my dog, but just did it - was that Shen? And were all my tears my Inner Child who didn't try to better control the situation with Intellect, who wanted Disneyland, not the death of my dog. I don't know. Still much to learn. I think that is the message of the hexagram. Allow myself to be led - watch the videos, believe in Shen/put my questions to the I Ching, believe in something other than myself - Daoism.
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